To Think, Or To Feel?
Written by Qadeem Zieman
And now that she’s gone, I’m wondering, should I actually do it?
It’s quite a cliché saying that we all see and hear around, from quotes, to advice…
We always have that one person who tells us to follow our heart. Maybe it be a parent, or a friend, but what happens if we just follow our hearts blindly?
When it comes to issues such as finances, health related or even relationships…
Do we just follow our hearts and do what we feel is right?, or… do we need to think first?
Having to lose a mother just after I turned 18, and was raised without a father by my side… I only had my mother to refer to alongside her male friends I considered as godfathers growing up.
But now that she’s long gone, I’ve come to a realisation that I am now alone with no one to help me out.
Last time, I used to have my mother to ask questions to and whether or not I liked it, she would always tell me the truth and advise me on what to do in order to handle the current situations. Though I still have a father, but somehow it doesn’t feel right to go to him for help, maybe it’s because he was rarely around, and also there’s always a tension between us, sort of like a gap or a barrier that makes it hard for us to communicate. He speaks in malay, but I prefer speaking in English as that’s my first language… and other things that just doesn’t make it any better, but actually a lot harder to deal with…
Though some of my family members are always telling me to go to him and ask for advice as they say he’s the only one I have left, it just doesn’t feel right.
And sometimes, I don’t think I should be telling people what I’ve been through or what I felt or even how I was treated, some things are better left unsaid, and unknown... But of course, I do have people I could talk to about my feelings and even if I don’t, I can always write them down in poems like I always do…
Most of us in the family were from different fathers, and some of us were raised without a father, like me… but at least they had someone to look up to as a role model, like the uncles, grandparents or other relatives… and it’s easy for them, just dial the phone and they’ll get the answers straight away.
But how can I know if what I’m doing is right, that is the question…
I always hear the sayings, “think before you speak” and “open a book before opening your mouth”. Yeah that’s easy when there’s a book for it, we all can find books about how to manage finances, how to cook, and how to learn things in general…
But do we have a book to refer to when we’re feeling lost? Or a book to read when we feel stuck and don’t know what to do at the moment? Or a book to help us out with growing up and entering adulthood without having an elderly to guide along the way? I don’t think so…
People who are in a similar position as I am, would just have to deal with it and find a way to go on by hook, or by crook… and sometimes it sucks to live in a life like this, there are things that i’d like to know, but I don’t know if I should listen to my heart and do what feels right as my mother once told me, or to think about it and eliminate the bads and go by the goods.
Like when I’m seeing someone, I would immediately start feeling something from my guts. And that’s when I know that the person is right or not right for me, as a friend or as someone to consider a partner… it’s usually a feeling based on what I see, more like a first impression, from the way they speak, to the way they’re dressed and even to the types of words/slangs they use when talking…
And when it comes to finding someone to share my life with, oftentimes after a date that didn’t go so well, or after a breakup, I would ask myself… “why didn’t it work out? After all, my heart felt nothing wrong with it”
Then comes the breaking point of me crying and trying to make it work once again, up to a point where I would contact my friends, Asir and Hriday to ask for their opinions . And they’d reply “God, Qadeem… again? It’s been almost a year?! but what else should I do? My heart tells me to go back and try again, and I can’t seem to think of anything else…
And when I am stuck in a situation where I can’t seem to find a way out, who do I look for? Or where do I go? Sometimes there are people who are just too good with their words and tend to say things they don’t mean, to an extent of making promises and giving out hopes that are not there for me to receive… and sometimes I tend to believe in things that I shouldn’t…
What should I do when my heart is blind and my brain is frozen?
It’s funny how I always say “follow your heart with the knowledge of your brain” to the people around me, and I ended up being in situations like this…
