The Love I Give To You (Albeit The Pain)... | A Poetry

AS THE AFFAIR ENDED

As the affair ended,

All there was to it, everything that was already attached,

And was to attach became extinct...

All was gone with the wind as the rain came by to wash away the temporary comfort.

And I, too, was washed away.

I died decades ago before I even got a chance to breathe in your arms.

If only I really died from this world, as opposed to only in your mind...

I wouldn't need to think about the bitterness of my tomorrow, not the sickening sweetness of your smiles that I fall asleep to be greeted by...

Nor the hopeless little glimpse of light I get every time I see a photo of yours...

Knowing very well that I had already died from your life, if I had ever lived in your heart

The minute that affair ended 21 years ago.

Today, with soul still wandering around from time to time...

Despite your greying age, I can only pray that you won't have to go through what I am going through, for I should never want anyone to feel the pain of being dead while still breathing.

THE MALAY SAYINGS YOU EMBODY

I look away every time I pass by that place,

As it hurts me so much to know that you have

The heart to leave me dead across the street.

And it pains me even more that I could never

Have to heart to ever think of doing ill to you

In return.

I wonder how you're living your life in such a way

That you can be so heartless and dead-souled

Towards your own child

When that is all you preach about...

I guess it is true, when in Malay they say

"Indah khabar dari rupa"

I wish I had stayed away in the first place,

Given how foolish of a man you happened to be,

"Lidah tiada bertulang"

Your tongue speaks with no limits,

No matter what, you tell the tales of which paints you a portrait of the angelic hero to those in need...

"Di pentas dunia, insan berpura"...

While your own son, you couldn't care less of his needs.

For all you care, I can be found dead

In front of your mansion, and you would still

Ignore my presence and step over my body

To eventually call for me to be sent away.

At least I now know where I got these poetic flair

As my own father embodies those

Tragic Malay sayings written in poetry,

O' so well, and uncannily.

THE LOVE I GIVE TO YOU (ALBEIT THE PAIN).

To the one who despised me, in 1 month and 9 days, I'll be turning 21 years of age... all those years of which will be marking the years I had spent without you.

Nevertheless, you will always be on my mind. you may not regard me as your child, but your blood shall forever remain in my body, even after I'm gone... and so will my prayers be for you.

Much love, your son.

In regards to what others may be saying,

I believe that I was made of love...

A fiery passionate love united by

The moon and the star, as the night crowned

The sky with crystals.

Hence, I chose to love you,

The one who made me your blood.

In the glary sunshine, and in the ruptured moonlight,

I keep your shadows o' so tight in my sights,

As my hands are lifted for HIM to grant my wishes.

Even though you chose to leave me

Before I got to kiss your hand

For the first and last time during that

Destined union of caffeinated passing...

I would still keep your name

Engraved in my heart, each and every syllable...

While your face, I paint a portrait in my memory

As I pray for HIM to guard you safe,

And fantasise your words as lyrics

As though they were sung for me.

Although I feel the void, still...

Albeit me knowing that you

Do not wish to have me around...

Despite being ghosted and humiliated by the

Only one I was supposed to have left

After the bright moon died to be buried in the sky...

I have chosen to give you the love

That I never got from you.

For one day, if I ever were to be aged grey...

I, too, shall want to receive

What I am giving you today;

Love, prayers, and forgiveness.

We may be parted here, but goodbyes aren't forever

For one day, as you leave, and as I leave...

There's a place that shall be a home for the kind hearts.

There, maybe... if I were to feel the same,

Shall be where we meet eye to eye once again.

Until then, I shall obey your wishes for me to take you

As a non-existent, and I shall love you forevermore

In a never-ending weekly ritual of obituary reading in silence.

- Qadeem Zieman