My Father, The Lily of The Valley...

"Even though Lily of the Valley is known for good luck and happiness, it also is a very poisonous flower. Therefore, it can represent sadness, pain, loss, and death." Much like the life I'm living, and much like my father.

Mama told me that you were nice, she said that you're very patient, very kind, and very gentle to her... many others also said similar things about you, they told me that you were such a gentleman, who is very humble and very kind towards others.

I know by knowing all these, I should be lucky to have a father who has incredible qualities such as yours, and I am even more grateful to be carrying your blood in my veins...

The smiles lingered on my face for a long while until I fell sick of your absence, and I eventually grew saddened by the life you chose for me to have.

I am saddened to know that my hands have never gotten the chance to touch yours...

Or that my tears had never once been wiped away by your fingers, nor have my head ever been held in your palms...

I used to want to talk all day long about you to others, and how disappointed I was with the way life is... and I would fantasise about a moment when the meeting would take place.

But it seems to be that I am no longer in the will to think of any of those things anymore...

May it be the unfulfilled belongingness that never seems to fly away or the dreams I get at night where your figure appears as though a hint of premonition of what my tomorrow would be like... or even the painful abandonment that you chose to give this child of yours.

I could only drop tears from my eyes to fall down my emotionless face to eventually hit the ground as I think of you and how you chose to cause voids in my heart.

I could only bow down to God when the pressure sometimes caused me to say ill prayers on you, for only to Him can I say what I wish to let go... all the anger, the void, the sadness, and the embarrassment of being a creature people look at as a pariah, while still handing out words to guard you in the future days to come whilst my eyes dripping the tears for me to wipe on my own as always as I say Amen for the wishes to hopefully get to wherever you may be.

Just know that one day, when the time comes for you to go... remember that this little boy whose blood came from yours was the one who prayed for you every day and night.

And know that this was also the boy who kept your name and shadows close to his heart as he prayed for you to show up in his days for years long, albeit in the pain of being left alone and clueless... know that the boy will always look up to his father despite never having him by his side...

And lastly, I hope you know how disappointed I am, and I hope that it brings you joy as much as it brings me sadness to hate you.

Qadeem Zieman