The Godfather: A Tribute to Baba.

This one is written to a man who was present in my life for a short while, yet made an impact of a lifetime.

I owe this to him... a few months ago, while I was waiting for the bus, I promised him that I would write about him on my blog on his birthday. Unfortunately, on the 18th of December of 2023, our ties came to a split and ended on a not-so-good note.

No words could I ever think of, and no other topics could've ever brushed off how badly I mistook this kind-hearted man. I am writing an autobiography and have written a few parts to dedicate to the ones who I truly cherish... however, I can't bear the fact that life is truly fragile, and if one life were to end one of these nights, I wouldn't want to risk yet another sickening phase of regrets and misery... hence why I chose to post it here, in case if time gets the best of us.

Lately, most days of my life have been spent in pondering silence, some nights are sweet as the moon shines its wonderful glistening light upon me, when I remembered how calming and cheerful the notes of your voices were... whereas some other nights are just scorned by many shades of greys and blues, almost as plain and as dark as the nights could possibly be.

Some days, I tend to look up to the sky and think of how joyful you were in it, whereas some other days... even the slightest hints of sunshine would annoy me enough to shut the blinds down and bring me to sit in the dark all week long.

In Malay, my words are;

Burung Tiada Bersarang.

"Bagai burung terbang di celah awanan,

sungguh tinggi, lagi megah...

Malangnya bila tiba masanya untuk turun ke darat,

Ianya bagai seekor anak kucing yang kehilangan sang ibu...

Tiada berhala tuju, kerana habis semua pokok telah dipitong,

Dan rantingnya di buang setelah ditebas...

Tambah sayu sayapnya harus terus berkepak,

Walaupun kepenatan berhijrah dari satu kota ke satu kota...

Hujan atau panas, biar mendung atau bahang.

Hidupnya ibaratkan ombak yang tak berpantai,

Tiada tempat hendak bersarang, walau hanya buat sementara waktu."

I'm like a bird with no nest, I was once caged, and I threw tantrums over being trapped in it. I didn't see what others could see, nor did I ever once take a pause to put my 2 feet in one's pair of shoes...

And now I am free, as free as I could've ever been, I am free to fly and walk on solid grounds.

Although I am now out of the rusty cage, and I am now up in the sky...

I see no hints of which way I should be taking, I found no map to order my directions, and when my eyes are dripping tears, as the words become too heavy for my mouth to voice them out...

I no longer have your voice to tell me that it is all going to be well...

Omar Beretta, esto es para ti.

01:58 AM | 10 February 2024

"Hey, I just couldn't help but think about the things I said to you before, a few months ago.

It's just stuck in my head how selfish I sounded.

I was being too immature, but I'm glad that life has brought me to a better place now. I finally see the joy and happiness of living life in simplicity...

I couldn't believe how ungrateful I was then, and right now, while writing this to you... although I am ashamed of my behaviour, but well... I guess it is the way life works for me, it gives me many lessons to learn from by taking back one thing after another to make me realise what it really is about after my mind is fogged up with delusions and vain while sending me more messages, tests and thoughts to make me reflect on. I've come to see that it will never end until I decide it's over, and for that to happen, it will take me to learn from the past and try to make it better in the future until my mind is finally clear from dust.

I just feel bad for how I acted. I had always been the one who got hurt before, and for me to actually be the one hurting... it just felt so wrong to me, and for almost 2 months now, I had felt the void in my life over knowing that I did something wrong. I hope that with this message, I'll get to continue living my life in peace... especially now that I am finally away from my poisonous family members, and left the old crooked house for good.

I am no longer living my life for anyone else, but myself, and my mother’s shadows are way past my back. However, I always keep her in my mind and have her close to my heart... and the least I could do as her son, whom she had raised well, is to go by her good teachings.

Growing up, I was always told that one should never bite the hands that feed him, but rather one should kiss them and pull them closely to his heart, at least for the last time before going off...

Baba, you are not my father by blood. You are not my teacher, not my friend, nor are you my lover... but you were my friend who was there for me when my eyes were sewn in while it was wide open, that even I myself didn't see it. You saw it and tried to undo the stitches, and although it did hurt me in a way, there was no other way for me to go through it, and there was no one else there to help me through it other than you.

You were the teacher who taught me what life really meant, although from afar... and you were the actor who I never thought would even be present at my impromptu casting. You played the role of my father... a role that had never thought existed in my life.

And of course, you were and still are the 'love' of my life... you showed me what love really was, and that it isn't about anything that is portrayed in the Disney films, but rather you taught me that love is something that could come from someone who is not related to you in any way, yet still have the connection between a father and a son, despite having no biological connection whatsoever. Thank you for your wonderful notes, I'll continue to remember them along with your innocent, kind brown eyes... although it pains me to know that I'm not getting anymore of them, and it hurts me to sometimes scroll through those awful responses I gave you in return...

But still, every word, and every note of yours becomes a real self-talisman in my daily life.

I am not expecting you to respond in any way because, of course, there's no use of expecting anything anymore now that I've known how much of a hassle it is to deal with expectations. But it is more than enough to hopefully see that you have read this message from me."

Happy 59th birthday, Baba...

May you be blessed with even more love, joy, and happiness in the next coming years.

Love,

- Qadeem (Bubu)